Opinion: A letter from Mr. Rumsfeld to Spec. Wilson

12/9/04Dear Specialist Wilson:

Thank you, my friend, for voicing your safety concerns as your squadron heads into Iraq. As your Secretary of Defense, it is obviously my utmost concern that you are well-equipped to handle your missions, you pampered little wuss.

But as I noted in my speech, you can have all the armor in the world and a humvee or a tank can still blow up.

Those bulletproof windshields you speak of may be bulletproof but they're certainly not bomb-proof. And that bomb-proof Kevlar flooring that you're not getting, well, it ain't bulletproof. I certainly don't have either of those luxuries and a good 48 percent of the population wants to spoon out my guts with a spork.

But as your president - your commander-in-chief, if you will - and I have said, we pledge to do all we can to protect you and the rest of the troops.

Incidentally, at 0600 hours you depart for Antarctica.

As you know, it is the right and responsibility of the United States to maintain a presence at every corner of the globe. As your president so eloquently states, "if the East Timorians decide to revolt," we need to be prepared.

But as I noted earlier, I agree that something must be done to better prepare our troops in the line of fire. That's why we plan to immediately transfer goods and armor to troops in Iraq.

This plan, though, will inevitably cause cutbacks to the military in other parts of the globe. Resources aren't infinite, and we certainly can't have the good men in the Department of Defense digging through D.C. landfills in search of scrap metal. That's your job.

For the aforementioned reasons, you will have slightly less body armor in Antarctica than you are accustomed to. Namely, you will have no pants. With repect, we at the Pentagon hope your package freezes off.

An unselfish soldier like yourself knows that those pants can have much greater benefits to our brave soldiers on the front lines in Iraq.

Again, thank you for bringing this crucial shortcoming to my attention. I hope you find your stay in Antarctica to be worthwhile and rewarding.

Yours truly,

Donald